Non Omnis Moriar
by Evie1989
Summary: C3 part 2 Updated. (Just as they are adjusting to parenthood, life throws Holly & Gail another curveball) "Even Holly, exhausted as she was, couldn't manage to shut her brain off. So they just laid there in silence, holding each other, too afraid to start up another conversation until Paige's cries gave Gail an excuse to get up."
1. i

**Hello :) this is my second RB story and I have to warn you, this one is going to be quite heavy. When I hurt, the characters I write for tend to hurt as well so if angst is something you don't like to read then I'll warn you to stay away from this one. There'll be small time jumps from part to part, something I've never really done before but I feel that it works for this particular story. I've written this on my phone in a number of sitting and I've tried to catch any typos but if there are any left I apologise. Editing on a phone is quite difficult. I'm currently in a place with an unreliable internet connection so it might be a couple of days before the next chapter. Thanks for reading!**

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><p><em>i.<em>

"Shall we go say goodnight to your mommy?" Gail cooed at the almost three month old baby she had just gotten ready for bed. If you had asked Gail a couple of years ago whether she would be down for diapers and domesticity she would have laughed at you.

Gail and Holly had been happily married, happily childless. That was until Traci and Steve's son Zack had been born. The moment she first held her newborn nephew a fire had been lit inside Holly, and Gail knew from the way the brunette's eyes lit up every time she saw him that baby talk was not far away.

They'd been at Gail's parents' cottage when Holly had first brought it up. No bells or whistles, she'd just cuddled Gail close and whispered, "let's have a baby" in her ear. Gail, having known this was coming for months had had a lot of time to prepare and she even surprised herself with the enthusiasm with which she said yes.

Of course the logistics of it all had taken time to figure out but Gail remembered as if it was yesterday the moment they'd both sat in the bathroom, two weeks after their sixth attempt, clutching each other's hands as they waited the three impossibly long minutes. Gail had burst into tears as two blue lines had appeared in the window of the little plastic stick but Holly had insisted on taking another three tests before she finally allowed herself to believe the result.

And almost 3 months ago Paige had been born and the rush of love Gail had felt for her wife and newborn daughter had been unlike anything she had ever felt in her life. And it had just continued to grow, to burn with such an intensity that sometimes it hurt. If you asked Gail now if she was down for diapers and domesticity she'd tell you that it was the only thing she'd ever needed.

Rocking the sleepy baby in her arms Gail pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head before she made her way across the hallway. She kicked open the bathroom door, inhaling the fruity scent of Holly's favourite pomegranate bubble bath as she stepped into the steamy room.

"Got a sleepyhead here to say goodnight mommy," Gail smiled, and Holly balanced her book precariously on the edge of the bath. Gail knelt down far enough for Holly to be able to stroke Paige's head, and her heart swelled as Holly made cute faces as she said goodnight.

"How's your bath?" Gail asked, swirling her free hand in the scented water.

Holly beamed up at her, "it's heavenly, thank you, just what I needed."

"Downstairs is done, I'll put Paige to bed and then come join me when you're ready, no rush, just relax."

"Got something planned for me officer?" Holly asked, her voice dropping an octave as she winked at Gail.

Gail's jaw dropped open in mock shock and she turned around to leave, "Holly not in front of the baby," she called over her shoulder, smirking at Holly who had relaxed back into the warm bubbles.

***  
>"You're not gonna need clothes," Gail smirked as Holly came into their bedroom wrapped in a towel. The brunette had let her hair down and it fell around her shoulders in soft waves. It had almost taken on a life of its own when she had been pregnant with Paige, and it had grown so much that Gail had been teasing her for weeks that she could have some sort of sexy mermaid thing going on.<p>

Holly narrowed her eyes at her wife, she wondered what exactly Gail was planning since she was dressed in her normal sleeping attire, which granted wasn't very much but still more than what Holly would have on.

Sensing Holly's hesitation Gail rummaged in the bedside drawer and held up a bottle of Holly favourite massage oil. It had a strawberry scent which Gail didn't really care for, but Holly had been all about the fruity scents recently.

"Can't I give my wife a massage after her first day back at work?"

Holly smiled, now it all made sense. Gail cooking her favourite dinner, running her a bubble bath and now this. The brunette realised that Gail had planned this all to make sure she had a relaxing night. It had been her first day back after maternity leave, and Holly had to admit that it had taken more out of her than she thought it would have done.

"Well it would be rude to say no wouldn't it?" Holly replied as she reached for the dimmer switch. Gail opened her mouth to protest but she caught her words before she they tumbled out of her mouth.

Despite the fear that Traci had managed to instil in the both of them their sex life hadn't really suffered much after Paige was born. Apart from the fact that Holly was now uncharacteristically shy about her body, and as much as Gail had tried to drum it into her that she was beautiful as ever, even more so now, she knew Holly was still insecure.

"Get your cute butt over here," Gail smiled, beckoning her over with her finger.

"Cute butt?" Holly raised an eyebrow at the less than eloquent compliment but she went over and joined Gail.

"That's right," Gail grinned, as she pulled Holly down opposite her, "your cute butt."

Holly fought to stifle a sudden yawn, shooting Gail an apologetic look but Gail just smiled softly at her, glad that she'd be right in thinking that anything more strenuous than a massage wouldn't be on the cards.

"If it's too much, you don't have to go back right away, you know that," Gail said softly, pressing gentle kisses to Holly's neck. The blonde had noticed the past few weeks that more often than not Holly was tired, though of course she had tried to hide it and Gail wasn't entirely convinced that Holly was ready to go back to work yet. But she had supported Holly's decision, voicing her concern but backing down when it became clear that Holly had already made up her mind.

"It's not too much, honestly I missed it," Holly explained, stumbling over her words as she was distracted by the feel of Gail's lips ghosting over her collarbone.

"Only you would miss being elbow deep in dead bodies," Gail quipped, looking up and flashing a grin at Holly, "you're a weirdo and I love you," she kissed Holly softy on the lips.

"I love you too," Holly murmured, "and as nice as this is, I think I was promised a massage."

"Yes, yes I did say that didn't I?" Gail said, tossing some of the pillows down to the end of the bed to make space for Holly to lie down. Only once she was settled face down on the bed did Holly shuffle the towel down to her waist.

"Comfy?" Gail asked, as she knelt on the bed next to Holly. The brunette stretched languidly and then turned her head to smile at Gail.

"Perfect," she replied.

Gail brushed aside the hair that swept down Holly's back and kissed the nape of her neck, "you are so beautiful," she whispered, kissing a line down Holly's spine and stopping just between her shoulder blades.

"Oh really?" Holly mumbled, her words muffled but the fact she had her face buried in her arms.

"Yeah," Holly felt Gail smile against the sensitive skin of her back. "I love you. I love every inch of you. I love this," Gail said, kissing the pink birthmark Holly had on her left shoulder blade, "and I love this," the blonde brushed her fingers over the faded white scar on Holly's upper arm that she had had since she'd pulled a cup of hot coffee over her as a child.

"I love this weird patch of skin here that never tans," Gail kissed the top of Holly's right shoulder and Holly giggled. Despite the rest of her skin tanning to a deep honey brown, there was always a pale part on her shoulder that never turned.

"And I love all of these," Holly sighed softly as Gail lavished kisses upon her back, upon every freckle and mark. Gail leaned closer, running her hands up Holly's sides. Holly tensed as Gail's fingers traced over the slightly raised lines that radiated from her hips towards her stomach. The stretch marks were pale and fine and already fading but Gail knew they made Holly uncomfortable. "I know you hate them," Gail whispered, "but I love these too, because when I see them they remind me of the incredible gift you gave me. Gave us."

"Gail," Holly whispered, her voice thick with emotion, "No one has ever made me feel as loved as you do."

"Sei il grande amore della mia vita," Gail whispered, and Holly shivered. The brunette loved it when she spoke Italian to her, "Il mio cuore è solo tua, con te voglio invecchiar."

Holly pushed up off the bed a little so she could lean back and see Gail. "I love you too," she smiled, feeling no shame in the fact her overtired brain had only managed to translate less than half of the words Gail had said. She understood the intonation behind them, and that was enough.

Gail bit her lip and grinned, "I just told you you smelt like an overflowing sewer and you're telling me you love me. Poor effort Holly," she joked.

"No you didn't," Holly smirked before she settled herself back down on the bed. She heard Gail pop the cap of the bottle and the pungent strawberry scent filled the air. Holly wrinkled her nose, the smell was different somehow, manufactured and fake. It was strange, she'd loved that oil when she had been pregnant but now she understood why Gail had an aversion to it.

"Baby can you use the lavender oil instead?" Holly asked, hoping that she had caught Gail before she'd poured it all over her hands.

"Finally come to your senses huh?" Gail joked as she swiftly retrieved the other bottle. She was quietly pleased with the pun but she knew Holly was probably too tired to have caught it.

Gail poured some of the much nicer smelling oil into her hands and rubbed them together, warming the viscous liquid before planting her hands firmly on the base of Holly's back, pushing upwards in a long firm stroke that made the brunette arch her back. Holly groaned and sighed into the pillow as Gail's hands continued to move all over her back, massaging out tension in spots she hadn't even realised she'd been carrying stress.

"Officer Peck has anyone ever told you that you have magic hands?"

"Oh, more than once," Gail replied, and Holly could hear the smile she was wearing as she spoke.

"Hmm, that's nice," Holly said, as Gail ran her thumbs up her neck from her shoulders to the base of her skull. The brunette pushed her face into the mattress, stretching her neck as far as she could as Gail repeated the action, once, then twice, and a third time just on the left side.

"Holly does this hurt?" Gail asked curiously, her thumb pressing a little harder this time.

Holly pushed up off the bed a little bit and turned to look at Gail, "No why?"

"You've got a stubborn knot of muscle there or something I'm surprised it wasn't hurting you."

Holly frowned and reached up to feel the area where Gail's hands had just been. She sat up to give herself a better angle, seemingly forgetting her newfound modesty for the time being as she poked at the lump. The frown deepened when she felt what Gail had thought was a knot. It wasn't muscle, Holly realised, but most definitely a lymph node.

"What is it?" Gail asked, just about managing to keep the worry out of her voice. She knew enough from the look on Holly's face that her own assumption had been wrong. But Holly had been to med school, so she must at least have an idea of what it was. Gail knew enough to know that unidentified lumps were bad news and she looked at Holly for answer.

"It's a lymph node," Holly said simply, tugging the towel out from underneath her and wrapping it around herself.

"A what?" Gail asked, she was sure she had heard the term before but she was a little reassured that whatever it was, it had a name, and it didn't hurt so that had to be a good sign.

"Did you ever fake sick to get off school?"

"Sometimes," Gail replied, no matter how many times she had tried, she had never been able to fool her mother. Even sometimes when she really was sick Gail had been forced to solider on, because that's what Pecks did.

"And your mom would feel for a temperature, and then feel your neck, like this," Holly put her hands on Gail's neck.

"Oh yeah I remember."

"Well sometimes when you're sick or you have an infection or you're run down, your lymph nodes can swell up," Holly explained. She decided to skip the whole lesson on the immune system, she knew Gail wouldn't appreciate it, and she was far too tired anyway, "I have been feeling pretty gnarly lately."

Gail didn't say anything, but gave Holly a knowing glance, "maybe you should go to the doctor, just for a checkup you know," Gail suggested and Holly just nodded in response.

"Holly," Gail prompted. The blonde could tell that there was something on Holly's mind. Her whole demeanour had changed when she had discovered the lump. She knew that Holly was tired but now she seemed worried as well and… a horrible though popped into Gail's head and she pushed it out before she even had a chance to process it.

"It's probably just an infection," Holly said, as if she had read Gail's mind. She went to the dresser and threw on an old university tee-shirt and a pair of plaid pyjama pants before she went back and joined Gail. The massage now abandoned, the pair worked silently in tandem to rearrange the pillows and turn down the covers and as usual, Gail waited until Holly was settled in the bed before she turned off the light.

Gail joined her wife in bed just moments later and almost immediately the brunette curled up next to her. Gail looped her arm round Holly and she snuggled in closer until there was no space left between them. Lavender and tension filled the air until Holly finally broke the silence.

"Honestly Gail the odds are, it's an infection or something okay. I'll go to the doctor tomorrow, get this all cleared up. It's gonna be fine," Holly spoke confidently, mostly for Gail's benefit. She knew that the odds of an infection causing one sided swelling were actually quite low. Still there was no point in worrying Gail any more than she clearly already was. Not until they had any concrete answers.

"I love you," Gail whispered, the vanilla scent of the brunettes hair and the feel of her body in Gail's arms serving to soothe her worry a little.

"I love you too."

They both settled down, knowing that Paige would be awake in an hour or two but neither woman could actually fall asleep. Even Holly, exhausted as she was, couldn't manage to shut her brain off. So they just laid there in silence, holding each other, too afraid to start up another conversation until Paige's cries gave Gail an excuse to get up. And Holly was left alone in the bed, with only her thoughts for company.

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><p><em>*Sei il grande amore della mia vita. Il mio cuore è solo tua, con te voglio invecchiar*<em> You are the love of my life. My heart is yours, I want to grow old with you.

**I know absolutely no Italian so if any of the grammar, words, tenses, whatever are wrong, I got it off the internet, and I'm sorry to any native speakers if I've butchered it. This will be about 7 chapters long, with some time jumps between parts, not massive chunks of time, a couple of months is the most I have in the plans for this story but it will follow a linear timeline, there'll be no jumping backwards and forwards like in my other RB story. Thank you for reading and please leave a review if you's like to :)**


	2. ii

**Thank you for the reviews on the first chapter, I love reading them. Thankfully I've had a good connection today so I thought I'd get the next chapter up while I can! Thank you for reading :)**

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><p><em>ii.<em>

Gail stood in the hallway and pulled off her rain soaked coat. She knew better than to hang it straight in the closest and she slung the wet garment over her arm, intent on hanging it over the bath to dry out a bit.

"Michaela," she called, as she unzipped her boots and kicked them haphazardly to the corner, "I'm sorry I'm late."

Gail had been trying to catch up on paperwork and had lost track of time, only realizing she was over an hour late when Dov joked about her having a home to go to. It was only when she had been in the car that she had realised her phone had run out of battery and she couldn't call the babysitter to apologise for being so late and that failing, coupled with the driving rain that had managed to soak her to the bone as she walked the short distance from the street to her house had put Gail in a rather foul mood.

The house was uncharacteristically quiet, Michaela always had the TV or the radio on but as Gail rounded the corner into the kitchen she spotted Holly's purse on the table and she realised that the girl must have phoned Holly when she couldn't get in contact with Gail.

"Fabulous," Gail sighed. She knew that Holly was supposed to be working late today to make up the time she had taken for her doctor's appointment earlier. Gail hadn't been able to take time off to go with her like she'd wanted to and she already felt guilty enough for that. And now she had stayed so late that Holly had been called back from her job. Gail sighed and trudged up the stairs slowly.

She could hear Holly singing softly as she approached the nursery and Gail realised that Holly hadn't heard her come in. Everyone who knew Holly knew she couldn't sing for toffee but the off-key notes that carried softly through the half open door to the hallway warmed Gail's heart, her earlier frustrations all but forgotten as she listened to Holly sing to their daughter.

After hovering outside the nursery for a minute or two, Gail knocked lightly on the door, opening it to reveal a slightly flustered Holly. Gail couldn't help but smile at the light pink blush that crept up Holly's cheeks at her arrival.

"I didn't know you were home," Holly said, shifting the baby from her arms up onto her shoulder as she stood up. "Hi," she said, pressing a soft kiss to Gail's lips.

"Hi," Gail smiled and kissed her back, though she was confused. Holly didn't even seem a little bit mad that she'd had to cut her work day short, "Hi baby," she said to Paige, running her hand softly across the sleeping infant's back.

"You're dripping all over the floor," Holly said, a hint of amusement in her voice. Gail looked down and sure enough there was water falling off of her jacket, leaving a darkened patch on the carpet.

"I'm pretty sure the sky is falling outside, give me a minute," Gail called, as she disappeared into the bathroom to hang her jacket up. When she walked into their bedroom, towel drying her hair, Gail found Holly sitting on the bed waiting for her.

"I'm sorry I was late back today, I know you wanted to work late but I got so caught up with the paperwork from that case from last week," Gail apologised, while she opened and shut drawers, trying to find something to wear. Finally she settled on a pair of sweatpants and Holly's old faded Star Wars t shirt, though Gail wore it so often it may as well have been hers.

"No it's okay, I got back just after 2 and let Michaela go early, I didn't feel like going back to work this afternoon," Holly explained. Gail frowned, it wasn't like Holly to just blow off work like that.

"Did your appointment go okay? What happened," the blonde asked, struggling to keep the worry from her voice. She sat cross legged on the bed opposite Holly but the brunette wouldn't look at her, and it only served to compound Gail's apprehension.

"I forgot how much I hated being a pincushion," Holly said, stretching out her arm to reveal a small blue bruise in the crook of her elbow.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there," Gail said, running her thumb gently over the still darkening bruise. Holly reached and grabbed Gail's hand, squeezing it tightly. But still she stayed silent.

"So, blood work…and what else?" Gail asked, hoping to coax some answers out of her.

"Promise me you're not going to freak out," Holly whispered, and Gail's heart sank as she realised that what Holly was about to tell her wasn't good news.

"What is it?" Gail asked again, and Holly shook her head softly.

"Promise me," she pleaded. Holly finally looked up and met Gail's eyes and the blonde almost wished that she hadn't. The uncertainty on Holly's face was clear to see and it caused an ache deep in Gail's chest.

"I promise," Gail whispered, her words so quiet it barely sounded like she had said anything at all.

Holly cleared her throat before she spoke again, trying to shift the lump that had formed there but her voice was still hoarse, thick with emotion. "They took a biopsy Gail."

"A biopsy?" Gail repeated slowly, wrapping her tongue around the unfamiliar word.

"They take sample of the-" Holly started to explain before Gail cut her off.

"I know what a biopsy is Holly, and they don't use it to diagnose infections," Gail snapped. Holly shrank back from her and Gail immediately regretted her actions. She'd promised Holly she wouldn't freak out and in the space of a few moments she was already breaking that promise.

"Holly I'm sorry, I… come here," Gail apologised, pulling the brunette back towards her and wrapping her arms around her tightly, "I'm sorry," she repeated.

Holly just sighed and fell against Gail, resting her head on Gail's chest, and the blonde's heartbeat echoed in her ear.

"It's standard procedure in cases like mine to give antibiotics and a follow up appointment," Holly explained, "but then the doctor had me go over how I've been feeling the past few weeks, and I told her that I've just been so tired, and I thought that was because of the baby you know. But then I realised that my appetite is all weird, and even with breastfeeding I've lost the baby weight a lot more quickly than I probably should have. So instead of give me antibiotics and telling me to come back in a few weeks she gave me the antibiotics and did the biopsy then and there."

Gail stayed silent as Holly talked, she had of course noticed Holly's exhaustion, how she was never really very hungry and how quickly she had fitted back into her favourite jeans. But she, like Holly had put all of that down to getting used to motherhood. And maybe they were all benign symptoms, if you didn't have a lump poking out of the side of your neck.

"I guess it's good in a way, right? At least we'll get an answer sooner rather than later. I'm not sure I could have bared waiting."

"When do you get the results?" Gail asked quietly. She was trying her hardest to approach this in the mature and calm way Holly seemed to be, but it was hard for her to keep her worry under control.

"I've got an appointment for next Monday," Holly replied.

"I'll tell Oliver I need it off. I'm coming with you," Gail said adamantly. There was no way hell or high water would keep her from attending that appointment with Holly.

"I'll be okay Gail, if you can't," Holly mumbled quietly, she was trying to blink them back, but her eyes were shining with tears and Gail didn't even consider accepting it that that would be okay that she went alone.

"No way. I'm coming with you. Okay?"

"Okay." Holly sighed, "Gail?"

"Yeah baby?"

"I know that this is hard, but I really need you to just, I need us to just be normal. Until the appointment. There's really no reason to panic unnecessarily and babies pick up on negative energy and I'd really just like for Paige to not get caught up in this and... please, please don't google anything. Thee internet is full of scare mongers and it's just not worth it," Holly babbled. She added the last part exclusively for Gail's benefit. She knew the blonde would drive herself crazy if she spent the next week bombarding herself with a barrage of information, the majority of which was likely to be inaccurate.

"No googling," Gail quietly affirmed, she had to admit she had been close to searching for possible causes of the lump in Holly's neck when she had been on her break earlier. She even gone so far as to open up WebMD in her browser before she'd shut it down in fear.

"Holly I'm scared," Gail admitted, and she felt so stupid saying it out loud. After all she wasn't the one who had the unidentified lump in her neck. She should be the one comforting Holly and it had ended up being the other way round.

"So am I," Holly whispered, "but let's just, how about we don't think about it until Monday okay?" she said, though she knew that that would be easier said than done. Worrying about the result had dominated the brunette's thoughts since she'd walked out of the doctor's office and she knew that it would gnaw away at Gail's mind as well.

Gail brushed back Holly's hair to reveal a small square bandage that stood out in stark contrast to her skin. She brushed her fingers feather light over the fabric and kissed the top of Holly's head.

"Does it hurt?" the blonde asked quietly.

"It's still numb. But it's only 4 stitches, I don't think it'll be too bad."

Gail's eyebrows shot up at Holly's mention of stitches but she held her tongue. No freaking out. That's what she had promised. Instead she hummed softly into Holly's hair, running her free hand in the soft strands.

"Do you wanna watch Star Trek and eat pizza with me?" Gail said, the flippant question juxtaposed with the conversation they had just had was so absurd the blonde wondered for a moment if she was dreaming. But Holly had asked if they could act like everything was normal and Gail promised herself that she would try her very hardest.

Holly pulled back and smiled up a Gail, a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes but it a smile nonetheless. "First Contact?"

Gail groaned, that was her least favourite of all of the movies. "Okay but I get to choose the pizza deal?" Gail held out her hand and grinned, and Holly shook it.

"Deal," Holly agreed, and as Gail stood up Holly almost knocked her off balance as she tugged at her arm. The brunette pulled Gail close and hugged her with such a ferocity that it knocked the wind out of her. Unable to do anything else, Gail brought her arms around Holly's back and held her just as tightly.

"I love you Gail," Holly whispered.

"I love you too."

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading. Please leave a review if you'd like to :)<strong>


	3. iii part 1

**Thank you so much for your kind reviews. So this is actually part 1 of chapter 3. I had to split it because I wanted to get a part up while I had a good connection and it was also super long so it kind of made sense. I know it's pretty depressing right no but there will be a lot of lighter moments in chapters to come. I hope you'll stick with me as I explore this story and please leave a review if you want to, I'd love to hear your comments :)**

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><p><em>iii. part 1<em>

"Oh crap is that the time?" Gail caught sight of the clock on the dashboard and cursed.

"What?" Chris asked, Gail's uncharacteristically panicked voice pulling his focus from her phone.

"Can you drop me at the hospital? Oliver knows I'm going to be late back," Gail asked, bracing herself for the questions she knew would inevitably come her way now.

"The hospital? Is everything okay?" Chris babbled, putting his phone away and turning to focus his full attention on Gail.

"Everything's fine Chris, it's just a checkup." Gail was being deliberately evasive, but she knew that Chris' concern wasn't unfounded. Though she had tried her hardest to act normal at home with Holly an effect of that was that she had been much more hostile at work. And Chris hadn't failed to notice how when she wasn't snapping at someone, Gail had been staring off into the distance, biting her lip the way she did when she was worried about something.

"Are you sure? I'm your friend Gail I-"

"I'm sure you'd love to hear all about my visit with the gynaecologist please remind me to give you a detailed breakdown when I get back," Gail snapped. Chris' eyes widened at Gail's outburst and the blonde immediately felt bad for lying to him. But she'd promised Holly that she wouldn't say anything to anyone until they had any news.

"I'm sorry I asked," Chris threw his hands up in frustration and then started the car. They drove in an uncomfortable silence until Chris spoke again.

"I'm am sorry Gail, it's you've just been weird all week and suddenly you have a hospital appointment and-"

"I've been pulling overtime to catch up on paperwork and I have a three month who still won't sleep through the night of course I'm acting weird. Could you cut me a little slack?" Gail cut him off again, only because she couldn't bear to listen to his earnest ramblings.

"I'm sorry."

"Stop saying sorry and just drive," Gail said, though her tone was soft enough to let Chris know that they weren't fighting any more.

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><p>Chris pulled into the car park in front of the main entrance and turned to Gail. "You want me to come back and pick you up when you're done?"<p>

"No I'll be okay,"

"Gail, I actually don't want to hear about your appointment okay?" He smirked.

Gail hit him on the shoulder as she got out of the car, "shut up Diaz."

Gail waited until the squad car had pulled away before she entered the hospital. She turned off her radio and switched her phone to silent. The last thing she needed was distractions. She pressed the button for the elevator and glanced around nervously. She was suddenly self conscious about being here in her uniform. Usually her uniform and gun made her feel safe, protected but Gail realised with a sad shake of her head that they were of no use here. She got off on the sixth floor where Holly's doctor's office was and scanned the waiting room for her wife.

She spotted Holly straight away. The brunette was standing in the far corner pretending to read a pamphlet. Gail knew that she wasn't really reading it because the adorable tongue-out expression the brunette usually had when she was concentrating was nowhere to be seen. Instead Holly's lips were pressed tightly together, her worry evident to Gail though the act probably would have fooled anyone else.

"Hey baby," Gail said softly, as she placed her hand on Holly's shoulder.

Holly silently replaced the pamphlet back into the rack and turned to face Gail. The expression on her face ransomed unchanged but now Gail was closer she could see the fear in Holly's brown eyes and it made her want to grab Holly and get as far away from this place as possible.

"Hey," Holly whispered, before she pressed herself into Gail's chest, burying her face in Gail's neck. Gail could do nothing put wrap her arms around Holly and run her fingers through her soft brown hair. There were no words she could say, nothing that would placate the weeks' worth of worry and apprehension that she felt in Holly carrying in her tense shoulders.

"Sorry I'm late, I had Diaz drop me off and you know what he's like," Gail apologise and she felt Gail go even stiffer in her arms.

"What'd you tell him?" Holly asked, her voice slightly muffled by Gail's uniform shirt.

"That I was going to the gynaecologist, you know I didn't think it would work as well on him as it did on Oliver considering that we used to date and all but he dropped the subject pretty quickly."

Gail felt a small puff of hot air on her shoulder as Holly chuckled.

"Men are so easy to freak out," Holly said, pulling back from Gail's shoulder. Gail loosened her grip on Holly but she kept a hold of the brunettes elbows. She didn't believe for one second the smile on Holly's face but she played along with it. Whatever Holly needed right now was Gail's priority.

"Well then you should have seen Oliver, I swear he looked about ready to run for the hills," Gail smiled, but she knew Holly could see through it just as much as Gail could see through hers.

"Holly Stewart," a sugary voice cut through the the dim hubbub of voices in the waiting room and Gail turned her head to see a chipper young nurse dressed in pale pink scrubs clutching at a clipboard. She reminded Gail of Chloe.

Holly made no attempt to move though Gail knew she had heard the nurse. Gail moved her hand from Holly's elbow to grasp her fingers and gave them a tight squeeze.

"Come on, let's go get some answers," Gail said softly, coaxing Holly to walk with her towards the nurse who had now repeated Holly's name 3 times.

"Holly Stewart?" The nurse asked, as Gail and Holly came to a stop in front of her. Gail just simply nodded on Holly's behalf.

"If you'd like to follow me, Dr. Phillips is ready for you now."

They walked wordlessly down the olive green corridor and Gail couldn't help but think about what an ugly colour it was. She glanced over at Holly but she had her gaze fixed forward, her fingers still wrapped tightly in Gail's own. When they finally came to a stop outside the doctor's office, the nurse told then to 'go right on in' with a too bright smile that made Gail grind her teeth in frustration. Didn't she know why they were here? Or was being overly nice her way of trying to help? Either way, it was making Gail angry and it was a relief when she went bouncing off back down the corridor.

Holly raised her hand, Gail presumed to give a courtesy knock but she froze before her knuckles touched the wood. Holly extricated her other hand from Gail's and took a deep breath, straightened her blouse, ran her fingers through her hair and pushed her glasses up her nose. All things that Holly did, Gail knew from years of seeing the brunette prepare before court, when she wanted to calm herself down. So Gail waited, for Holly to be done with her ritual, and followed her into the office when she finally knocked and opened the door.

"Dr. Phillips," Holly greeted, seemingly having found her voice again.

The doctor looked up from her desk, peering up through thick glasses. She greeted Holly and only then did she seem to notice Gail.

"This is my wife, Gail," Holly said softly, and the doctor stood up and extended her hand to Gail across the desk. She had a good handshake. Firm but not clingy, and Gail found herself reassured by the older woman's kind green eyes.

"Hello Gail," she said warmly, "why don't you both take a seat."

"Now I now you probably just want to get down to the results," the doctor said as she rummaged around on her desk for a file, "your blood work actually came back inconclusive but as you know, at your last appointment I also took a biopsy of the lump."

Holly had her hands resting on her knees and at the doctor's hesitation she curled her fingers, her nails digging at her flesh through the denim of her jeans. Gail, seeing the movement out of the corner of her eye, managed to wedge her hand under the one of Holly's she could reach and now Holly's nails were digging into her palm instead.

"I am so sorry Holly but the biopsy indicated that you have anaplastic large cell lymphoma."

The doctor's unfamiliar words hung in the air as she gave the news a chance to settle in. Holly's hand squeezed Gail's impossibly tightly before she let go of it altogether, crossing her arms tightly across her chest.

Gail glanced desperately between the doctor and Holly, obviously they knew what the words meant but Gail didn't. It was clear from the doctor's delivery that it was not good news, but Holly's face was unreadable, void of emotion as she kept her gaze trained on her lap.

"W-what is that?" Gail stammered, "it's... is it cancer?" The last word came out almost as a gasp.

"I'm afraid that it is cancer," the doctor replied, "it's a type of what we call a non-Hodgkin lymphoma. Now I know that this is very overwhelming news but there's not much more information I can give you at this point. I've taken the liberty of booking you an appointment with an oncologist specialising in this type of cancer, Dr. Nicholls, up on the 12th floor."

Gail was barely aware of what the doctor was saying, she'd stopped listening from the moment the doctor had confirmed her worst fear. _Cancer._ The word that despite it gnawing at their minds, neither she nor Holly had dared to say all week. She stood up, the adrenaline coursing though her veins was too much to stay sitting in that uncomfortable chair.

A brief look over at Holly and Gail couldn't fathom how the brunette was just sitting there, nodding passively as the doctor continued to speak. Gail couldn't hear anything now apart from the pounding of her heartbeat in her ears band she had an overwhelming urge to run. To get as far away from the situation as possible.

She caught sight of Holly again, both the doctor and Holly had turned to face her and Holly was saying something that Gail couldn't hear. Maybe she was saying her name?

But Gail couldn't bear it, she could see the devastation in Holly's eyes, the pain on her face and it was all too much and Gail shook her head, stumbling backwards until she bumped into the door.

"I'm sorry," she choked out, as she fumbled with the door handle. Then Gail turned and ran. She ran back down the drag green olive corridor, down the stairs and out into the cold crisp November air. Running on auto pilot Gail flagged down a taxi to take her back to the station.

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><p><em>Everyone<em> noticed that something was wrong with Gail when she stalked back into the station. From the poor rookie on desk duty who had had the audacity to ask her if she was okay had received a hell of an ear bashing to Traci who had attempted to sort out the logistics of an upcoming dinner. The woman had received nothing but a death glare from Gail which had sent her running back upstairs to the safety if her office.

Gail had been back all of 14 minutes before another rookie managed to break her extremely short fuse. She yelled at her so loudly for not having finished his case notes that Dov had had to step in before the officer broke down in tears. Chris had watched Gail's demeanour since she had come back and he knew in his gut that something was wrong. He'd known since before today and now he was Gail was definitely hiding something. But Chris also knew from his previous attempt at showing his concern that he just wasn't going to cut it. He climbed the stairs to Oliver's office two at a time, hoping that the staff sergeant would be able to get through to Gail before she tore someone else up.

"Oliver can I speak to you for a minute?"

"Diaz, what can I do for you? Oh and the Hunter report, I want it before end of shift," Oliver said without looking up from his desk.

"Yeah I'll have it done... uh," he hesitated.

"Time is money Diaz," Oliver prompted.

"Something's wrong with Gail," Chris said, finally earning enough of Oliver's attention for the older man to put down his pen and meet his gaze, "I dropped her off at the hospital for an appointment and she was all cagey then but she's just got back and it's like world war 3 down there. I tried talking to her this morning but she just shut me down."

"I'll, I'll go talk to her," Oliver said, not even hesitating. He'd noticed Gail's weird behaviour over the past week too, but he had allowed himself to accept her excuses of tiredness and new baby stress whenever he'd gently pushed for information. He pushed his chair back and went to the window to observe the lower floor. He could see Gail hunched at her desk, her body language clearly warning away anyone who would approach her. And then he saw Chloe, tentatively walking towards Gail's desk with a mug of coffee.

"That," Oliver said, pointing to Gail and Chloe, "is not going to end well. Thanks for the heads up Diaz," Oliver nodded in appreciation.

"I just hope she's okay," Chris said with a sigh.

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading. I'd really like to hear your opinions :)<strong>


	4. iii part 2

**So here's the next part of chapter 3. Please review :)**

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><p><em>iii. part 2<em>

Gail," Chloe said softly, "I made you some coffee," the redhead set the mug down on the desk and waited for an answer. When it was clear that Gail wasn't going to acknowledge her, she took a step closer.

"Or maybe I should have made tea, you know what they say about tea, it makes everything better," Chloe rambled, wringing her hands together.

Gail turned slowly to face Chloe and Chloe forced herself not to take a step back at the venomous look on the blonde's face.

"Do you think," Gail said in a voice that was too calm and too quiet, "that what I need right now is you buzzing in my ear about tea and coffee? Do you?"

"Gail, I..."

"I asked you a question," Gail said, her words dripping with contempt, "do you?"

"No. I don't think so," Chloe answered, holding her hands out in front of her defensively.

"You don't think so? You don't THINK SO?" Gail shouted, "my god what is wrong with you people?"

Gail slammed her hands against the desk in frustration and coffee slopped over the side of the mug and onto a pile of paperwork.

Chloe bit her lip as she looked worriedly at Gail and then down at the papers, but Gail just took a deep shuddering breath and stalked off in the direction of the locker room.

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><p>There were too many people in the locker room but luckily for Gail the ladies bathroom was empty. She splashed some cold water on her face, not failing to notice how violently her hands were shaking. Water ran off her face and onto the collar of her shirt as she looked up and caught her reflection in the mirror.<p>

"What are you doing?" She whispered as she curled her hands around the edge of the sink, though the smooth porcelain didn't give her much to grip on to. The action caused a flash of pain in her right hand and as she looked down to examine it she saw four little crescent moon shapes in her palm, red and angry. Holly had dug her nails in so tightly that it had bruised.

_Holly_.

"Oh my god," Gail gasped and suddenly everything hit her at once. The doctor, Holly's hand in hers, the diagnosis and Holly's face then Holly's eyes pleading with her as she had run out of that room.

Her stomach roiled and she barely made it into a stall in time before she vomited up a mixture of coffee and bile that burned the back of her throat and made her eyes water. Gail flushed the toilet and sat back against the tile wall with her head in her hands.

Gail's first instinct was to try and hide when she heard Oliver call her name but she quickly gave up on that idea when she realised that being in the last cubicle of the bathroom, she had nowhere to go. So she reached up and pulled the door shut, clicking the lock closed.

"Peck are you in here?" His voice was louder now as he actually entered the bathroom, and it echoed around the tiled surfaces.

She stayed silent, hoping that he would give up and go away, but he was relentless, checking every stall until he came to the second but last one. Gail realised too late that the toes of her boots were sticking out under the wall into the next cubicle. She dragged her feet back, wrapping her arms around her knees but she knew he had already seen her.

"Are you going to open this or am I going to have to climb over because I'm telling you now, one of those options is not going to make me very happy." Oliver warned, a hint of sarcasm lacing his voice.

Gail appreciated that he was trying to diffuse the situation he had so blindly walked into with humour in the the way she usually would, but through no fault of his own it fell so, so short and she couldn't give him a response other than the silently unlock the door. She heard a shuffle when the door swung outwards and when she flicked her eyes up from the spot she had been staring at on the floor she could see Oliver sat opposite her.

"I don't sit on bathroom floors for just anyone you know," Oliver tried again.

"I didn't ask you to," Gail bit back. It came out much harsher than she intended it to but she just couldn't help it.

"You wanna tell me what's going on?" Oliver asked softly. Though she was trying to hold herself together, he could see how much Gail was shaking and he realised he had never, ever seen her like this. Not after her abduction, not when Sam and Chloe got shot and not when her father had died. Never.

"I ran away Oliver," Gail said, but she couldn't bear to look at him. She kept her eyes trained on the floor.

Oliver frowned in confusion, "you had a hospital appointment today right?"

Gail shook her head, "Holly had an appointment. We didn't want to tell anyone until we knew."

"Until you knew what Gail?" Oliver prompted. If he had to play this game of 20 questions with anyone else it would frustrate him but he knew with Gail you had to coax information out of her piece by small piece.

"Holly is..." Gail let out a sob and dropped her head onto her knees.

She continued the sentence but Oliver couldn't hear because her words were muffled. He reached out and squeezed her shoulder, hoping that the gesture would help to bring Gail at least some comfort from whatever was torturing her.

"Holly's sick Oliver." This time Gail looked straight at him, and Oliver could have sworn he saw Gail's heart break right in front of him.

"We were at the hospital and the doctor told us she has cancer and I freaked out and I ran away. I left her there alone."

Oliver took a couple of deep breaths to try and calm himself down. He was reeling from the news he had just gotten but he knew his role in this situation was firstly to calm Gail down, because as much as Oliver knew she needed to go back and be with Holly, she would be of no use in her current state. Oliver shifted so he was sitting next to Gail instead of opposite her. The hinge of the door pressed into his back as the toilet cubicles weren't made for two people to be sitting in them but he ignored it and stretched his arm out around Gail's shoulders.

"Come here," he said softly, coaxing her into a hug. Oliver was acutely aware of the tension rolling off of Gail, he could feel it in the way her shoulders shook and he could hear it in the stunted little gasps of breath she was taking.

"Slow it down," he soothed, rubbing her shoulder rhythmically, "it's okay. We're going to calm down, then call Holly and find out where she is and I'm going to take you to her okay?"

"She's not… Oliver I just _left_, how…" Gail started to ramble, but Oliver shook his head.

"Mmm, no talking for the next little while okay. You're in shock Gail, you need to calm down, and it's… it's gonna be okay," Oliver reassured her.

He hoped beyond hope that his words weren't baseless. It was clear to him that Gail had bolted out of fear but he had to admit he didn't know how Holly would react, especially not in a situation as impossible as this.

* * *

><p>After it had become clear to Oliver that Gail wasn't ready to call Holly, Oliver had taken it upon himself to do so. Despite him ringing from Gail's phone, Holly hadn't seemed surprised that it was Oliver who had called her. She'd told him that she was still at the hospital, waiting for her second appointment and not much else. It had been hard for him to get an angle on Holly's frame of mind without seeing her face but it was obvious she wasn't in the mood to talk. But he had turned to Gail with as much enthusiasm as he could muster and asked her if she was ready to leave.<p>

Gail had simply nodded her head sadly and followed him out of the station and into a squad car. She was calm now, but still silent and Oliver noticed, as he glanced over to the passenger side that Gail was drawing patterns on the fogged up window, swirling nonsensical circles and dots with her fingertip.

"I'm scared Oliver," she suddenly blurted out, though her artistic exploration of the window didn't slow, "I ran because I was scared and I shouldn't have just left her like at I don't even know what I was thinking."

"You weren't thinking, it was a fight or flight response and you chose flight. I know you regretted it the moment you stepped into this building. Probably before," Oliver mused. "And you have every right to be scared Gail, anyone in your situation would be, but Holly's scared too and sometimes even when everything in you is saying you want to get up and run, you've just got to be a little braver," Oliver said, and Gail knew he was right. And she wished she had been braver when it had really mattered, back in that room.

"Do you remember when Holly was in the hospital with food poisoning?" Oliver asked, and Gail suddenly stopped and looked at him. It had been hell for both Holly and Gail and Oliver felt a little bad about bringing it up.

"We nearly lost Paige," Gail said quietly, shuddering at the memory. Holly had been so weak and she was vomiting up whatever fluids they'd managed to get into her and the doctors had warned them that it was very likely that Holly would miscarry due to the strain on her body.

"Were you scared then?"

"Of course I was scared," Gail frowned at Oliver, wondering why now of all times he was bringing this up.

"But you stayed awake for 72 hours, holding her hand, telling her to ignore what the doctors had said about losing the baby, that she was stronger than anyone knew. And she got through it and now you have a beautiful daughter and that was because of your strength and your encouragement."

Out of the corner of his eye Oliver saw Gail wipe a tear from her cheek and he sighed as she shook her head.

"That was all Holly, she fought that-"

"Yes she is strong and stubborn as hell and that's how I know she's going to fight this, with you by her side. That's how you need to approach this Gail. I know you and you are so, so brave and yes, it's scary but you can face it head on," Oliver saw her sigh, "don't you dare shake your head again."

Gail just bit her lip and turned back to face out of the window and Oliver was worried he'd pushed her too far. That was the thing about Gail, she always underestimated herself and her abilities, tearing herself down before anyone else had the chance to. These insecurities had diminished somewhat over the past few years but they were still there beneath the surface, the clinging remnants of a childhood where her best was never good enough for her overbearing mother.

It was only when Oliver had parked up the squad car and switched off the engine that Gail moved again. She twisted awkwardly in her seat and threw her arms around Oliver, catching him off guard in a bone crushing hug. "Thank you," she said sincerely as she pulled back, "I just-"

"It's okay Gail." Oliver replied warmly, "go to Holly, if I'm not mistaken she's over there on that bench."

Sure enough, there was Holly sitting on a bench about 50 feet away. Her expression was unreadable but she waved over at the squad car and it gave Gail the motivation she needed to open the car door. Oliver gave her one last reassuring look before the shut the door and started walking over to Holly.

Holly wasn't dressed for the chilly November wind and as Gail approached her she could see that the brunette was shivering. Immediately she shrugged off her own heavy jacket, and didn't even pause to ask Holly if she wanted it before she draped it over her shoulders and sat down next to her.

"You left me," Holly said, and though her words stung, Gail knew it was the truth and if she was being honest she was glad that she hadn't had to initiate the conversation. But Holly didn't even give her a chance to apologise as she continued to speak.

"You left me sitting there and I was calling you to come back and you didn't come back."

"Holly I'm so... I'm so, I'm," Gail's words failed her. There was nothing she could offer Holly that would make what she did okay.

"I thought you were done running from things and you ran away when I needed you."

Gail's heart lurched at Holly's words. She thought back to their wedding day, the vows they'd said to each other, when they'd promised not to leave when times got tough, in sickness and in health. She pressed her eyes tightly shut to try and quell the tears that were threatening to fall. Gail felt like she didn't have the right to cry.

"Holly, I panicked and it was awful and wrong and I'm-"

Holly shook her head softly, cutting off Gail's rambly attempt at an apology. "But I've had time to think about it, and I get it Gail, I do. I understand why you did that. I'm not angry," Holly said, "can you look at me?" She sounded congested and Gail wasn't sure if it was because of the cold wind or because Holly had been crying.

Reluctantly Gail brought her gaze up to meet Holly's eyes. The blonde couldn't understand why Holly was being so nice to her, she had rehearsed a whole barrage of apologies and explanations in her head on the way over that it seemed now she wasn't going to need to use.

Holly cupped Gail's face, ran her thumb gently across her cheekbone and smiled, managing to coax a small smile back from Gail despite how guilty the blonde was feeling.

"I was pissed at you for a while, more than a while," Holly said honestly, not breaking eye contact with Gail, "and then I realised, if our situations had been switched, if it was you, I'm not sure I wouldn't have acted the same way. Or at least have wanted to. And I just, the news wasn't a shock to me like it was to you, I guess, well I mean it was a shock for me but..." Holly sighed, searching for the right words to get her point across.

"I know you're feeling guilty Gail, I can see it written all over your face and I just wanna tell you that you don't have to feel guilty for something that I know you didn't do on purpose. This whole situation doesn't really come with a manual does it? And I'm not angry with you okay?"

"I-" Gail stammered, shaking her head.

"Okay?" Holly repeated with a half-smile.

"Okay." Gail agreed, letting out a long breath she didn't realise she had been holding.

"But I need you to promise me something, I need you to promise me you won't run again because…" Holly hesitated and took a couple of deep breaths to try and hold back the tears that were threatening to fall, "because I'm really, really scared and I can't do this without you."

"I promise," Gail whispered, "I promise you that I will never leave you again, ever." Gail covered the hand Holly had resting on her face with her own and laced her fingers in between Holly's.

The trembling of Holly's lower lip threatened imminent tears and Gail swallowed back her own, determined to be the strong one for Holly. She pushed Holly's glasses up and on to her head and then wiped away the first teardrop that had started to fall down Holly's cheek with her thumb.

"I'm here. I'm here now and we're going to go back in there and whatever that doctor says we're going to face it together okay? It's okay to be afraid," Gail said, echoing Oliver's earlier words, "But I'm right here with you."

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><p><strong>I know it seems like Holly forgave Gail too easily, I know of it was me I wouldn't have been so understanding, but this does have repercussions later on in the fic so please bear with me. I'm thinking this was slightly too ambitious of a storyline to write with characters I'm new to writing but as they say practice makes perfect. Thanks for sticking with me :)<strong>


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